stuff

I don't feel like doing anything.

It's rainy and cold. Last night we woke up at 1 am to the sound of giant balls of hail slamming down all over the house. When they hit the sky lights over the front room, it sounded like they would break through. We had to go down and bring the car in the garage, because Tom said that the hail could seriously damage the car. It was funny to see him run out in his boxers, but I still had nightmares for the rest of the night.

Friday was a marginally good day. We went to the art show at Atlas, which was very cool, and then hung out for a bit after only to come back home and crash with out doing much of anything.

On Saturday morning we woke up at stupid o'clock and took some stuff over to our pastor's house for a yard sale. It was a good time. We ended up making $28 and spending $20 on a sweet new chair and matching bed sets for the guest bedroom.

Because of the late night and early morning, I didn't get my mom's email message to call her until after noon. By then I was already dehydrated and sunburnt. When my mom told me that she finally went in about her failing vision in one eye only to be told that she probably has MS, I started crying and didn't stop until my forehead felt puffy and my headache was worse.

Heather came over with Matt and his friend from Denver, Josh, for dinner. We watched Bandits (which was very funny) and stayed up talking until after midnight. I really did have a good time, despite everything.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to do for my mom. I don't know what to do for myself. I got an interview with Kaplan, to teach test prep, for next week, but will I need to hang out in Junction for a while?

Tom and I were talking last night about finding a new place. I really like our house, but I would really rather have a real house with a real yard and a real dog. When our lease is up in December, I think we'll move. I have my eye on some cute places downtown. Plus, if my mom needs to come live with us, it will be better to have a place without stairs. Also, it looks like we're going to hang out in Greeley for a while longer. I hate to admit it, but I rather like it here. . .

m

this will be:
a strawberry salad summer
a small plan struggling through sidewalk summer
an endless walks through endless parks in endless dark summer
a summer not unlike every other
but a still somehow differenct summer

but now I am lusting for my red-green-yellow-ish apple
and wondering:
if they can make apples all year, why can't they have peaches
and wishing
i had brought something other than my skirt
to wipe my
sticky-sweet-summer
hands on.
also, my water tastes like sand.

no matter where I am

so everything's up in the air again. my recent conversations with God have gone something like this:

Hi God, so it looks like you have a new plan in the works for me. That's great. I'm marginally excited about doing something new. Hey, do you think you could let me in on what it is you're going to have me do? I, uh, I trust you and stuff, but I'd kind of like to, um, you know, know what's going on.

Hey God, yeah, I thought I heard you saying maybe I should become a high school english teacher after all, so I tried to apply for the teaching credential program at UNC and guess what God, yeah, I've missed the deadline by, like, four months. I'm kind of picking up mixed signals here, God, could you maybe, I dunno, clarify.

So. . . Abba . . . I could be a substitute teacher with just my BA and a finger print card. Is that what you're calling me to do? This library thing doesn't look like it's going to work out, they haven't called me yet, and I was kind of hoping I could kindof do that. Are you going to have me stay where I am, because I don't think that's what you're telling me but maybe it is. Can I work there or anywhere if I don't believe in what is happening? Maybe you could just tell me what you want the next step to be. How about that? . . . okay, you can get back to me.

And then at Good Friday service, every station firmly but quietly gave me this line:
no matter where I am

I am called to serve, no matter where I am.
I am asked to trust, no matter where I am.
I am to reflect his light, no matter where I am.
I am protected and loved, no matter where I am.

I wish I could say that this is the answer that I was hoping for. But honestly, I'm just not at that place yet. I still want to know where, exactly, it is that I'm going to be. But still, it's an answer. I wish I could say I have since embraced that peace that surpasses my understanding. But at least I've freaking out less. No scooters. No trips. No more unnecessarily elaborate meals. Things will be tight for a while, but I think things will be okay.

Honda Metropolitan

Honda Metropolitan

coming home from class yesterday, Tom and I saw this chick on a kiwi green Metropolitan. This began a "discussion" about if we should get one (i.e. what color ours should be) and if we should get a Metro or a larger Vino which will seat two people.

the more we think about it, the more getting a scooter makes sence. If I have to find a new job, it's going to be harder for us to share just the one car, and scooters like the Metro top out at $2,000 brand spanking new. From what I've read, they're safe, hold thier value well, and get almost 100 mpg . We'll still have my car for long distance trips, but to go around town, a scooter would be awesome.

m